Онлайн школа иностранных языков

Funny things!


It's a hot summer day and Jake and Harry are in a ditch digging away. Meanwhile, Ralph is up under the shade of a tree sipping on a cool drink. Jake asks Harry, "Why are we down here digging in the hot Sun while Ralph is being cool up there?" Harry says, "I don't know, I'll go ask him". Harry goes up and asks Ralph, "Why are you up here in the shade drinking a cool drink and Jake and I are in the ditch digging in the hot sun?" Ralph says, "'cause I've got smarts".

"What's that? Asks Harry. Ralph puts his hand in front of the tree and says, "Hit my hand as hard as you can". Harry swings his fist at Ralph’s hand, Ralph moves his hand and Harry hits the tree, hurting his hand. Ralph, says "I knew to pull my hand away, that’s called having smarts". Harry goes back in the ditch and Jake asks, "What did he say?" Ralph says, "Its cause he has smarts." "What's that? Asks Jake. Harry puts his hand in front of his face an d says. "Hit my hand!"


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it. The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" the man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replies, "Take the poison."


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said, "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said, "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied, "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said, "Watson, you are an idiot, it means that somebody have stolen our tent."


Wife: Can you help me in garden??
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Gardener.. ??

Wife: Can you fix door handle??
Husband: What do you think, I'm a Carpenter. .??

In the Evening when husband came from the work, He saw everything
has been fixed..!! He asked: Who fixed this..??

Wife:"our Neighbour but he gave me 2 options..!! Either I should give him burger or a kiss..!!

Husband:I'm sure you
must have given a burger..!!

Wife: What do You think, I'm Mc'Donalds..?


Wife hit her husband with frying pan.

 Husband: What was that for…?

 Wife: I found a paper in your pocketwith the name Jenny on it.

 Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.

Wife: Sorry..!

Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again. 

Husband: What now..?

Wife: Your horse is on the Phone



Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phoneon a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: "How much? 

WOMAN: "$65,000. 
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." 
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone knows whose phone this is?"





An old farmer writes to his son in prison: Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes coz I can't dig the field by myself, I know if you were here, you would help me.
The son writes back: dad don't even think of diggin the field coz that's where I buried the body. The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the body but nothing was found. The followin day the son wrote again... 
Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here.


A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. 
When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” 
The man goes homeand sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”


Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!


Son : Dad , What do I give my girlfriend as a gift ?

Dad : How does she look ? 

Son : She looks sweet,pretty,fun to be with and of course Lovely =D ♥

Dad : Give her my number :p